Focus on the Family Community: Relationships and Marriage: After ...

We have been married for 31 years this November - our kids are 22 and 27 and are 90% out of the house (one still in college and comes home during breaks).? We have had the normal bumps in our marriage but I thought we always ironed them out. Or at least in my heart and head we did.? About 3 years ago (1 year after he retired) he took on doing odd jobs which is his love - construction/remodel. A co-worker recently lost her husband in a tragic way and needed to move out of the family home with her 2 almost adult children to a run down farm that was owned by her father who had recently passed as well.? She needed work done and I suggested my husband who took pride in helping others.? The 2 month long job lasted nearly 8 months with there always being a new project to complete. I had started the first phase of menopause symptons and felt insecure and worried that he may be having an affair, as I begin to notice things - he didn't hold my hand, didn't hug me, would get irrated at me quickly and began to complain about things of the past i had done to upset him. Those things were sheltering our then young daughters from a stress related depression that cause anger after the passing of his father. His family didn't tell him he was in the hospital that week until after the death. They did that because they did not like me and was pay back to him. I did my best to keep the girls aways from his angry outburst with keeping them busy with scouts, dance and 4-H.? I didn't allow them to "Play" in the living room while he was watching TV and they began to learn the tricks to keep dad happy.? Now that they are adults - they admit they were trained to go to mom before going to dad. (BTW my husband did see a therapist for a couple years, took meds and attended angry management classes volunteerly).? Family is very important to me and I did my best to be as supportive as possible and helped him through this rough time.? He was better enough to go off meds YEARS ago and has been "pretty" good for a long time. I always seem to hold a grudge - about what, I don't know, but he wasn't the really smiley Johnny I fell in love with but I adapted to this change as I was his wife and I love him.? So, about 3 years ago - when he finished up on that house for the co-worker - i noticed he was not happy.? I did my best to make him happy. I tried everything I could think of.? A year goes by and is the year of our 30th wedding anniversary I made plans to celebrate across the state for the weekend, he acted like he didn't want to go away.? We hooked up with his cousins and had a good time but it wasn't what I had expected.? I kept asking him what is the problem. Did I do anything wrong. He wouldn't communicate.? Then the first of this year 2012, I finally had it, we never go out together - he goes his direction I go mine. I try to arrange "dates" and they get cancelled by him or "something" happens and we can't go.? He rarely touches me only during sex which use to be couple times a week with him eager, now its me wondering when and if he can last long enough to please him or myself.? We had a fight and he admitted that he is unhappy and is trying to work out the issues himself. He is angry about the past, the way I did things the past 30 years, not making him feel like the DAD or the MAN of the house.? I am sure I made decisions with the kids, but if I did it was to save him during "his depressed years".? He is angry the my father would do things around my house without asking him first (he only was trying to help my husband with chores) he is angry that the girls do not call him but they call me first.? I did not realize I was doing things to cause him so much hurt.? I finally earned a paid vacation at my job of 32 years (small small business) and we planned a driving trip to Florida - would visit my folks and look at properties (he would like to move south). We started out a week ago made it about 5 hours and he turned around due to traffic and we drove all the way home.? I hurt and upset. And, I acted out inappropriately said something to someone out of anger and didn't listen to him to keep my mouth shut. (which is another thing he said I did often is not listen) I have been trying to listen for 3 years now but he is wasn't "saying" anything!? That put the icing on the cake and he said we were not going.? I was so hurt and upset as I was hoping this vacation would be a start to rekindling our relationship - you know get away - just the two of us and plenty time to talk (we hadn't been out to dinner together only twice since Christmas 2011 by this time).? I was so excited for this trip.? I fell apart - my emotions were toast, remember I am menopausal and my emotions are high often and I warned him of this years ago and have seen my doctor numerous times to keep myself in check.? Then my folks call and ask "where are we"? I cried and said home, we are not coming.? Told? them not to call my husband - let him cool down.? They didn't listen, next thing I know we are in the car again heading south, we talked alot cried alot and he told me everything,, i think,, no girlfriend or desire but is upset with how he was treated while the kids were growing up - like he didn't manner to me.? I feel now, he is giving me what I gave him, unknownly of course, I thought I was doing what a mom was supposed to be doing, I really didn't know I was hurting him so bad.? We stayed in a hotel one night started out - i said the wrong thing (i thought we had agreed to try to work on communicating) and he got upset and said
for once I would like to make a decision. We are heading south because of what your folks said to me.? I nodded and said go ahead.? He said really? and he got off at the next exit and we drove home. We had a family discussion (the girls were dog sitting for us and were at our house) and they explained why they come to me that they were trained to because if they did try to talk to him = seemed it was always at the wrong time and was treated like they were always interrupting him.? So they came to me.? I told them it is my fault I didn't included him an.? We decided to work on the things that hurt or did hurt him.?? (he did say he was falling out of love with me in the car back home) if things didn't change he would not stick around. That was 5 days ago, I am an emotional mess.? This was a compete shock to me!?? The girls and I have tried but - he still will not show me any affection, if I am lucky he may give me an "auto" peck on the lips before he leaves the house but no hugs.. I feel alone,,, i am in this stupid menopausal thing (which is hard on everyone, I know this) I was hoping he would be supportive with me on this like I was for him during his depression, but because It appears he is going through some kind of depression or anger thing, we both are very touchy when it comes to our emotions.? I feel like if I speak he may take it wrongly and make things worse, but if i don't talk about my feeling of loneliness i feel like I will explode.? Any suggestion on how I can deal with the emotions so I don't ruin this healing?

Source: http://www.focusonlinecommunities.com/thread/23903

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